win or die

[katenoah.livejournal.com]

Name: Katie
How did you find out about the community? If it's through an LJ user, please tell us who it is: a friend of mine, thaliontholwen
Age: 28
Location: Ohio
Occupation: College Instructor




All About You

1. Describe your ideal house/home. Please go into as much detail as possible, and be sure to include your ideal geographical location in the description!.

I have a very specific house in mind, one modeled after a house I saw on most of my running routes near my old apartment. It is painted navy with cream trim, a small deck to the side and a wooden fence surrounding the small property. The house stands two stories tall and on the inside there would be a bright, cream kitchen with plenty of counter space, a small breakfast bar and a nook area surrounded by windows. In fact, all of the rooms in the house will have lots of windows (who cares about heating bills?). Off of the kitchen will be a dining room with highly polished, golden wood floors, trimmed in the same type of wood with cream walls and a small crystal chandelier. The last room on the 1st floor would be a living room, again painted cream with a cushioned, darker colored carpet. The couch, large and cushiony, would be perpendicular to a wall of windows and there would be other comfortable chairs. The second floor would have a small, light blue-themed bathroom with colorful accent tiles along with two bedrooms which would have large closets and thickly carpeted floors. The house will be decorated with items of personal importance and pictures, to really make it my space.

The house would stand on plenty of land, with lots of trees and a body of water nearby. It doesn’t have to the fanciest lake or river but any sort of flowing water is peaceful. I would have a deck and a small covered structure so that I could sit by the river to relax. I would have a garden of some sort, with plenty of colorful flowers and maybe some herbs if I get extra creative. My home, inside and out, needs to be a place where I feel comfortable and can relax.

2. Name three things you are afraid of. Explain.

Failure. For some reason, my self-worth as a person is tied to success. By this, I do not mean that I have to be better than everyone else or perfect in everything that I do – I simply want to achieve my goals to my standards. I am not competitive at all and it does not matter how I rank in comparison to someone else but whether I am living up to the bar I set for myself. In any case, if I do not perform as well as I would like then I become fearful that I am not a good person or that others will not like me (why this is the case, I am not sure).

Uncertainty. I prefer order and structure because it helps to eliminate the inherent uncertainty of life. I feel out of control and lost when I am not certain of what is going to happen, which is compounded by a fear that a situation will turn out badly. It is a matter of thinking, “what if?” that keeps me up at night, a situation that is possible given a lack of complete information.
Being alone. I do not need to married or have kids but I do need close personal connections of some sort. I have a wonderful family and friends of value beyond measure, both of which I am afraid of losing. I am more than capable of being on my own and independent if I know that I have this support system at hand. Plus, while solitude has its pleasures, you can only laugh at your own jokes for so long and laughter is important. I need people to share my brand of whimsy because that makes life enjoyable as well.

3. Imagine you’re given the classic opportunity: a genie granting you three wishes. What would you wish for? Wishing for more wishes is not permitted!

Enough money and job security that I can stop worrying about that aspect of the future. If those elements are in place, then I can more easily enjoy myself and expand my horizons. I feel like it’s a bit selfish to wish for myself first – if it came down between this one and the next one (where I’ll want the same for my friends/family), I would choose that they benefit before I do.

I would wish the same for my friends and family. I would want them to achieve their goals, find security and find happiness.

I would wish for people to be caring and compassionate towards others, whatever form that might take. I don’t care whether people are a member of this party, or that or recommend this policy or that one – as long as you’re doing it with the interests of others in mind, I feel that we can help others. Even the small actions we take during the course of the day, such as thanking someone or complimenting them, can show them that they are seen, known and loved. For example, when students make nice comments about my classes it shows that they appreciate my time and effort which is very rewarding.

4. In your life so far, what accomplishment are you the most proud of? You can list more than one if you have trouble deciding. ;)

It would either be moving to MA or running a marathon. I went to MA to go to graduate school and it was a big step for me. I have always lived close to home, preferring to be with family and friends but to get the education that I wanted I knew I would have to move away. I can’t say that I enjoyed my time there – between being far away from home and graduate school, it was pretty tough but I did not quit.

I am also proud of the time before and after my first (and only) marathon. The race itself was difficult but the bigger accomplishment was the months of work beforehand and the fallout afterward of pushing my body that hard. I stuck with the training and I stuck with my work afterward – that took the real commitment, not the race itself. The post-race time was very hard because I had fatigue that would not go away, I could not run at the same levels as I had beforehand and this created a mental block on running. I felt that I was no longer a good runner and that I would fail if I tried again. Getting myself back out there on a regular schedule, fighting these internal messages, was definitely an accomplishment.

Also, my first year of teaching college economics full-time is a huge accomplishment. I was hired 5 weeks before the start of the semester which did not give me much time to finish up the summer class I was teaching, pack up my stuff, move to OH from MA and get a bit settled before the start of the classes. I was not teaching anything new I was doing so on a much larger scale – moving from one class of maybe 20 students to four classes of 180 students. These kids can be pretty intimidating in large numbers so getting used to that, as a fairly shy person, was a big challenge. I also had to find what worked for me at this university with these class sizes – how I ran my classes before didn’t quite fit and I had to make adjustments which I could only do so after the end of that first semester. Given that it was my first time teaching, I did not fake the confidence well which led to a bit of problems with students – they sense weakness – and I had one particularly rude student which was very hard for me to handle. He had problems with me but his expression of those problems was more a personal attack than a professional one. When the winter break came, I collapsed. The second semester was much better than the first but I was so exhausted from my busy summer and stressful first semester that by the end of the year, I was clawing my way through the day. I remember that for the last three weeks, I cried nearly every day, often wanting to do so between classes, due to the exhaustion. However, despite all of this, I could honestly say that I loved what I was doing and that I knew that I would love it more as some of these problems sorted themselves out. I am now to the point where teaching is still draining, it can still drive me crazy and there are days when I’d rather stare at a wall but I know there’s not anything else I’d rather be doing.

5. Which of the following is most important to you: Love, Money, Knowledge, Family, Friendship, Adventure, or Pleasure? Which is the least important to you?

Love is most important while adventure is least important. I am going to work with a broader definition of love, which includes not only romance but friends and family. Without love, the world doesn’t mean a whole lot. I could rack up accomplishment after accomplishment or build a savings account but if I am alone in all of it then it’s empty.

I am not the most adventurous person. While I want and do break free of the little box I’ve set up for myself, I’m never going to go headlong into adventure with reckless abandon. I like a little bit of it, well planned and organized, but that’s about it. The more I think about it, though, I am realizing that perhaps adventure is more important than I initially thought it was. For years, I have led a relatively low-key life and as I get older I am realizing that while that has led me to be successful, I miss exploring new opportunities. If that’s true, then I would have to say money is the least important thing to me. I want enough to be financially secure but other than that, I don’t need much. Buying new clothes or a fancy stereo system might be nice but I would much rather have all of the other options.

6. What's one quote (or passage, song lyric, etc.) that effectively describes you and your values?

Them as can do has to do for them as can't. And someone has to speak up for them as has no voices. ~ Granny Aching, The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett

I’d read this book once before but on the second reading, the quote caught my eye. It neatly summarized my entire approach to life, whether it be my teaching, my research or social interactions. Fundamentally I try to help others in everything that I do because people need others to care for them and to speak for them when they cannot. No one should be left behind because we all have value as a human being, simply by existing.

Writing my dissertation is difficult. It involves reading a lot of academic articles, running statistical analysis and a lot of writing. At times it can seem horribly abstract and disconnected from the real people I want to help. When I get very frustrated, I feel like joining the Peace Corps or something similar would be a much more effective way to spend my time. After reading this quote, though, I realized that if I focused my research as concretely as possible, being very applied in nature, that I could feel like I was accomplishing my goals of helping others. For the time being, I am working on anti-poverty policies to help the working poor but I can very easily see myself researching teaching in economics.

This quote also motivates me when I got into my classroom. During the second semester, I realized that one of my greatest strengths as a teacher was that I cared about my students. It seems like it should be an obvious requirement as a teacher but at the university level, research is a priority for my many profs and I’m the reverse. That dedication, that caring, pushes me to be the best teacher I can be so that my students benefit to the greatest degree possible. This does not entail make the course super easy so that they can get an A but to run it so that they can pick up skills beyond memorizing the content (which they’ll forget), that will help them elsewhere in life.

7. How do you manage your money? On that note, how important is money/financial security to you?

I have a monthly budget that I try to stick to within a certain range, given that you can’t plan for all of life’s expenses. I will purchase a few things for myself, probably more than I plan for but nothing extravagant, preferring to add to my savings account (mainly so that I can pay off my student loans one day). Financial security is important to me because I am own my own now and I don’t want to be caught unawares. I want to know that I have a safe margin, not that I need to be very wealthy.

8. Name (and elaborate on) some of your hobbies. What are your favorite things to do outside of school/the office?

Running is my main hobby – it’s not always my favorite thing to do, especially when there’s a nagging pain or it’s just a bad run. The good days weigh in much more heavily than the bad ones though, when you can hit that rhythm and everything else falls away. It’s just you, the music and the running gait. There are a lot of quotes how running is like religion or it’s someone’s spirit but for me, it’s simply freeing. It’s one of the most open things I do.

I’m learning to ice skate (yes, at nearly 30) because I have the sense that I would find that similar sense of freedom. I think that this is important to me because I live a relatively structured life and these opportunities allow me to break free of that. This might also be why I read a lot, especially before bed, because it opens up other places to go.

9. Name (and elaborate on) your top three BEST and top three WORST qualities (personality-related, not physical).

Top three best:
a. Determination. Once I commit to a project, I will finish it, despite that hurdles that are thrown in my way. As a result, I tend to focus on very few things because I cannot accept leaving a job undone or halfway done. Aside from time, I am very emotionally invested in the things I choose to do and knowing that I operate that way means that I can’t do a ton of projects.
b. Loyalty. I will do anything for those I care about and will fight for them as well. This applies to friends, family, a significant others and students.
c. Compassion and acceptance. I care about others and I feel that others deserve to know that they are valued by someone, regardless of whether we agree or not. Whoever they are, whatever they believe, people deserve kindness.

Top three worst:
a. Insecurity. I worry about something all of the time and I don’t always accept myself, despite my personal successes. I feel like I could accomplish even more if I were more secure in myself because I would have the confidence to be more adventurous. I would also be less of a bother to others if I didn’t need repeated assurances.
b. Inflexibility. I lock myself into a rather rigid routine and I miss out on a lot this way.
Being closed off, I don’t make friends easily, though I highly value the ones I do have. I have a lot of walls in place and it’s not because I’m testing people, but rather that I am afraid of uncertainty.
c. I am extraordinarily tough on myself. To a certain degree, these tough standards push me to success but they also cause an unnecessarily high amount of stress. If I am working so hard and am so anxious, I have less time for others and the things in life which make it brighter. Careers are important but they don’t make you laugh at the end of the day, they don’t brighten your life in that special way and they don’t love you as a person.





A Song of Ice and Fire Related

1.Who are your favorite three characters in the series?

Jon Snow. He was my favorite to begin with and has remained so throughout all of the books. I can’t pin down exactly why this is so but he is one of the most balanced characters, I feel. He has encountered more than his fair share of difficulty but still shows compassion for others, rather than turning predominantly negative.

Daenerys. Dany has also experienced more than her fair share of problems but is becoming a strong, independent and relatively fair woman in spite of it. She will do what she needs to in order to accomplish her goals but she does not tolerate the suffering of innocent people, which is something that I admire.

Jaime Lannister. He is not always a character I admire or respect but I love his evolution throughout the books. He starts out as a despicable sort of person but by the end of a Feast for Crows, I find myself rooting for him. He is a good example of how people are not all good and not all bad but can be in between and change.

2.Who are your least favorite three characters in the series?

Catelyn Stark. She irritated me from the very beginning with her treatment of Jon. I understand why she was not tolerant of him but it still grated on me and she did not appeal to me anymore as the books went on.

Arya Stark. She started out as one of my favorite characters but as her character evolved, given her experiences, I started to dislike her. Again, I understand how she ended up where she was at the end of a Feast for Crows but I can’t help but want to tell her to get over it. Then again, I can’t imagine what my reaction would be to the terrible things she’s witnessed.

I want to say Cersei as my last choice but she’s really the type of character you love to hate, so that doesn’t count. I’ll have to go with Littlefinger – I just don’t trust the guy, though I am interested to see what he has got up his sleeve.

3.#1 Favorite moment in all of ASOIAF so far?

The time spent beyond the Wall is my favorite part of ASOIAF. One of the most fascinating aspects of the series, for me, are the references to the otherworldly happenings beyond the Wall and I was anxious to discover more about it. Martin tells you enough to keep you interested but not enough to explain much. It seems that while all of the fighting and politics are raging on a very real level, there is this whole other level of what seems like it will be more important than all of that.

4. In your dream-world, how would you like to see the series end?

I would like Dany to become queen because I admire and respect her. I do wish for this with some hesitation because I am not sure what the world would look like after she gains the throne. It’s not that I believe that she would be a poor ruler or be excessively cruel but I would be more worried about how everyone would adapt to her. Ultimately, I think the result would be good but in keeping with the general tone of the series that it would not be a fairy tale ending – life is more complicated than that.

I would like to see the Stark children, including Jon, to be reunited. I don’t know if it would be possible for Arya to put her past behind her but I think it might be possible if she is around Jon, at least, and Bran as well. Sansa’s grown enough that I think they might all be able to give each other some support. Again, I don’t know that they will have any sort of fairy tale ending – especially given that Jon is tied to the Wall – but I hope they have a vague sort of something.

As for Jaime, I hope his story goes somewhere – I’m not sure where but I want him to have an important part in the ending. I also want to know what Littlefinger is planning.

Last, but not least, I want to figure out they mystery of the goings-on beyond the Wall. I don’t know that all of that will be explained but maybe a few more crumbs.

Comments

Lannister

[jamesmcgraw.livejournal.com]

Total Stark!